Monty: His Part In My Victory

'It's all over, Von Arnheim has surrendered and he's very angry. This could mean war...' The third volume of Spike Milligan's laugh-a-line account of life as a gunner in World War Two resumes on the eve of victory in North Africa. Now Britain's looniest war hero must combat some of the direst threats a soldier has ever faced - boredom ('Christ, I just thought of Catford'), a cold ('In this weather?' 'Yed.'), moving camp ('It's a sort of Brighton with camels'), relaxing on the beach ('Life was golden, and we were the assayers'), moving camp again ('We're already somewhere else'), a visit to Carthage ('It's terrible, it's like Catford') and a perilous encounter with the gloriously endowed Mademoiselle Villion ('"Help! massage", I said weakly'). Against the odds, they survive and are sent at last to Italy to be killed... The 19th Battery forge into Tunis, cocksure and carefree. They climb an aqueduct with no trousers on (the battery, that is; the aqueduct was very well dressed). Five hundred gunners try to dance with two girls and an old French matron…